I’ve officially landed and settled (somewhat) in New York City after a whirlwind year of driving, drinking (not at the same time, relax), eating, and enjoying some of the best company I’ve kept in a long time. I’ve said this before, and I’m pretty certain I’ll say it again: the internet is a strange place. The amazing thing about it is that I’m able to connect with people I would have otherwise never known existed. The weird (and sometimes uncomfortable) thing about is that “internet people” are more in tune with social networking activity. Therefore, they know things about me. Things that I don’t think about before I post them to public forums. Not things that I really don’t want people to know, because if I didn’t want people to know them I wouldn’t post them (mostly), but things that no one ever comments on, so I assume they get lost and forgotten.

I assume wrong, of course, and people mention these things to me when we meet in person. On one hand, it’s nice to know that people are paying attention. On the other hand, I (perhaps stupidly) often think that when a statement/comment/photo/video doesn’t get a reaction, it means no one has seen it. Wrong. Everyone loves a good stalk, and doesn’t always want you to know that they’re stalking. Strange and somehow comforting at the same time. Like there are people out there who are looking out for me. Too optimistic? Maybe.

Anyway, I think I have a somewhat irrational fear of oversharing. I want to share a lot of things, and most of the time I do as I try to get over my fear. Things I’m thinking, song lyrics that are stuck in my head, articles I find interesting/funny/outrageous, stories about people who are annoying me, and photos of what I’m eating or drinking at the moment. But I realize that sometimes the things that are interesting to me are completely idiotic to the next person. I can’t exactly say that I care, but I don’t not care. I never want to be one of those people that gets hidden in people’s news feeds, or worse, unfriended! ::gasp::

(you can go ahead and file that under #irrationalfearsfromworkinginsocialmedia)

I also don’t want to be the person that other people want to complain about or be annoyed with. Because really, the people that care about EVERYTHING that happens to you are most likely the people who don’t have or don’t use all the social networks (i.e. my parents). So usually, it’s best to keep all the outbursts of emotions to myself.

But I slip sometimes. We all do. And the feeling of our lives being all out on the virtual “table”, if you will, gives me heart palpitations from time to time. Especially when the people who see these outbursts on the internet are people I end up meeting in person. And it all goes back to my longing for the simple life, some kind of fantasy that only exists in Fiji or… The South!

Yes, that’s what I said. Where everyone sits out on their porch eating fried mac n’ cheese and drinking lemonade spiked with vodka. Where no one really knows (or cares) what I do on the internet all day. Where jobs are just jobs, and not a way of life. Where girls get their hair and nails done and buy new dresses and count down the days until the weekend when they’ll be courted by gentlemen who hold the door for them and stand up at the table when they go to use the restroom.

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I realize this probably The South from 50 years ago, not today, and I realize that even if this was 50 years ago, the things I’m talking about are way too romantic to actually exist. But, I did find a certain innocence and genuineness (yes, this is a word) that you definitely don’t see anywhere in cities like New York or Los Angeles. That romanticism does still exist to a certain extent in places that aren’t so much about the hustle. And I’ve always been attracted to that, almost as much as I’m attracted to success.

It’s not that I’m trying to hide, because I take full responsibility for the things I do, whether they end up on the internet now or in 10 years, but I like the idea of a community that isn’t made up of hundreds, if not thousands, of ME‘s.

The grass is always greener, of course, and I might start to miss the random conversation on the subway about Facebook’s IPO or the newest photo-sharing app. But in The South, things move slower, all the girls wear flowery dresses, everything gets put in the frialator, AND all the boys have cute accents.

What more could a girl really want?

Sometimes, no matter how meticulous you are, how many things are put in their right place, how often you run through all of the possible issues and solutions, things don’t go the way you planned. You’re disappointed, confused, and even angry.  Your problem starts to overwhelm your sense of reality. You move away from logical thinking and toward irrational, emotional rage. You thought you had control, but then you realize that everything you wanted has always been out of your control, and every sense of contentment and sanity you felt was a lie. You wonder why nothing ever goes your way, why you’re being punished, and why the word is so damn cruel.

There are people who are starving, their bones protruding from their skin, their limbs too worn down and malnourished to move, even if they’re barely a year old.

There are people who battle lifelong, destructive, alienating diseases and only sometimes make it out alive, let alone live some semblance of a “normal” life.

And then there’s me and most of the people I know, who are not only nourished, healthy, roofed, and clothed, but who are also sometimes painfully sad, miserable even.

The things that are important in our lives are things that the starving children in Africa don’t even know exist. 

I know I sound like a walking cliche, a hypocrite, whatever. But sometimes we (read: I) forget to remember what we have, and get stuck focusing on all the things we don’t have. I see it every day, especially now that we have the ability to share whatever pops into our heads at any given moment through social media. It goes something like this:

“OMG, my internet/cable/cell phone is SO slow/won’t let me watch True Blood on demand/keeps dropping calls. Screw you Cox/Time Warner/AT&T!!!!!”

Let’s think about this for a second: Many of us were fortunate enough to have been raised in a safe town by people who value education. I played 3 high school sports (including travel basketball), took 2 foreign languages, went to private oboe lessons, AND had tons of friends. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here. This was the norm at my high school, I didn’t know of any other way. I worked hard in school, and was accepted into a decent college. Then, my parents (and the government) were able to pay for me to go to said college where I learned the meaning of hard work, collaboration, and the way the “real world” runs. Once I graduated from college, I chose to move across the country to volunteer on a stipend of $200/week. My dad helped me pay for an old VW Passat (and all its problems), and I paid next to nothing to live in a 4 bedroom house with 8 other people. Then, I proceed to create my own career in which I get to live wherever I want, make my own hours, lay in bed with my laptop all day (if I want), and  make connections with the most amazing people all over the world.

I literally do whatever I want.

My Toyota Yaris has been in 19 states in the last 6 months, and although I’ve mostly had clean beds to sleep in, all of my travels have given me the opportunity to see the world from the perspective of others.

I love my little Yar Yar

Yes, most of the “others” I’m referring to are my smart friends who have decent jobs and great apartments/houses, but seeing the way other people live is so important in appreciating the life that I’ve built for myself, a life that allows me to float around plan-less, doing whatever I feel at the moment, and forces me to stay flexible.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with my living situation in the next couple of weeks. I don’t know if I’ll be allowed to stay in the NYC apartment I’m currently in because of a miscommunication that’s out of my control. But the simple fact is, I will have a place to stay, no matter what, whereas there are plenty of people who don’t know whether or not they’re going to eat or where they are going to sleep tonight because they were forced out of the alleyway they normally sleep in.

It’s so easy to get stuck in the wallowing, especially when I see all the amazing things my Twitter/Facebook/LinkedIn/Google+ friends are doing with their lives. Someone has published a book, another just launched their business, and yet another is setting sail across the ocean for the hell of it. I feel inadequate, worthless, stupid. I try to remember that the people I’m following/connected to are people who I look up to, respect, and cherish. Their lives are not mine, they choose what they want to share and not share (read: most people only share the good in their lives) and the smattering of people I pay attention to online are not an accurate cross-section of the population. They’re superstars. The things they (and I, apparently) do are NOT the norm. So why can’t I seem to remember that in my day-to-day?

Perspective, I needz it. And so do you.